I wish I could teleport
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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