i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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