can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
