...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
