8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
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Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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