I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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