I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
