And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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