im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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