I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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