between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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