it hurts more in the daytime
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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