Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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