So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if only i could text you this smell
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
