i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
