So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
