and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My ass is underappreciated
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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