Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
