He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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