I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
