I hope mine doesn't look like that
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
