yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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