There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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