In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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