If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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