I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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