while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
