i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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