I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
