He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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