i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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