I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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