I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
