she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
