eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
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You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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