I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
