I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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