I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
