Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
