I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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