Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
