people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I smell stomach acid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask