I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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