Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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