i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can't special order awesome
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
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He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.