she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Are we still banned from the library?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?