I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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