My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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