i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
