I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
