Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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