I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
