Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
