Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
God, I missed his penis.
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