Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
