then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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