i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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