Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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