Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
