What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
