her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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