why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
