he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
