got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
